and at the other side of trauma i found renewed safety and love

Hello Dear You,

I posted this on Instagram on February 21, 2025. This is the first time that I’ve publicly used my voice to share my story as a complex trauma survivor. It is a significant milestone in my healing evolution.

The writing style is mildly staccato. I needed to exercise brevity for the short format of slides. The content is cut and pasted here so that this my energy of transformation can live on my own domain.

I’m considering using this platform to write more short memoirs, slowly building a collection that will maybe add up to publishing a book. I’ve always wanted to write my story. I’m finally at a place where my throat chakra is cleared from fear so I can answer the calling.

Thank you so much for being here, for being my witness, and for opening up to your own personal transformation with me. I’m grateful for your membership in my community, and for the all the ways we’ll continue healing together.

Love, Kat

like the horizon kisses the sky, my soul holds my body

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At 45 years old, I'm finally ready to share my story. Trigger warning. My story involves compounded trauma and suicide. I'm sharing for two reasons:

To destigmatize suicide.

To connect with the ones who feel trapped and struggle in suffering.

There is hope in healing. Moving through the shadows, there is a clearing on the other side of suffering, a valley within you where you'll feel safety, comfort, and aliveness. And I know that you will get there because I have.

My earliest memories include feeling close to source and nature, yet also feeling out of place. These memories precluded the abuse. The pain and sorrow I experienced was amplified by my being HSP.

I was born with sensory perception sensitivity, also called highly sensitive person, which basically means my nervous system experiences emotional and environmental stimuli intensely. A Molotov cocktail that later became my greatest gift. HSP is my superpower that allows me to truly witness the person before me. And it's a skill that helps me witness myself.

My childhood was profoundly painful. For my whole life until my late twenties, I experienced a variety of abuse, ranging from neglect, abandonment, physical and emotional harm, and sexual violation. My parents divorced when I was six, and my mom, sister, and I were often silently homeless. This means my immediate family always had extended family or family friends to stay with, but not always a place of our own. My mom moved out of state when I was 14 to try to get her life on track and to escape an alcoholic boyfriend. My sister and I were separated. She lived on her own and I lived with family. I experienced suicidal ideations and was severely depressed.

When I was 16, my father committed suicide and this saved my life. The morning I learned about his death, I knew in my bones that I would never harm myself that way. That same morning, I had a spiritual experience. I was crying and I found myself in the bathroom looking at myself in the mirror, connecting with my soul through my eyes. I felt an anguish I had never felt. And at the same time, I felt a strange peace expand through my heart and throat. Tears turned into a commanding wave of inexplicable knowing. I somehow knew at 16 that what had happened was the only thing that could have happened. I could not resist it. It was profound acceptance and pure forgiveness, although it took years for my ego to catch up with that moment of spiritual knowing.

In my adult life, I was in many toxic relationships and I suffered persistent psychological and emotional distortions. Because my trauma had iced me out of my own body, I could not accurately respond to the signs, signals, and alarms that warned me to beware of the predator or to catch myself from falling deeper into isolation and despair. I forgive myself because now I can see the threat of wounds and what happened to me in all of those situations where I chose pain and suffering instead of self-love, self-worth, and my own caring protection.

It's true, it can take decades to heal from complex trauma. I'm living proof. I couldn't even comprehend I was dissociated until I was 41. But it wasn't all a horrible ride. Yes, it was painful, but my body kept functioning and joy kept pulsing and the sun and moon kept rising and setting and I began to feel safe in myself and I started to trust my seasons of healing and growth.

I could write a whole book on the process and all the book would land here:

Healing is not linear, healing is cyclical.

So in each season of healing, something happens that unearths another aspect of my wound, expanding my awareness and the pulse of my spirit. I spiraled deeper into knowing myself and trusting myself and loving myself.

Here's what I learned:

I am not broken. I am not damaged. I was buried under heavy layers of pain, some that I pulled over myself and other layers I inherited. The more I pursue my psychic and emotional healing, and my self embodiment, I’m able heal and feel more to flow emotional release.

Each cycle to growth unearths and reveals the sacred center of myself: Life, joy, peace, and love, so pure and raw in form, right in the heart of me.

I know you will capture your own heart too.

The most powerful thing you can do to change the course of your life is to find acceptance and forgiveness for what has happened and realize your power in defining your own story.

There is infinite grace and love to hold you.

I know how hard it can be to reach out when suffering. Please know that people do care and I care.

There is a safety net for you.

The 4 key ingredients for healing are:

1) Feeling safe

2) Feeling secure

3) Feeling seen

4) Feeling soothed and comforted

Notice a pattern? Feeling. Deep somatic healing happens when you find a someone and/or a place where you can feel safe to heal and process. Thinking can sometimes slow the current of the feeling. There are particular exercises that can help your nervous system restore its sense of safety. I know that it the invitation to feel in this way can be very intimidating depending on the circumstance that is in the vault.

Soothing the mind and nesting it into hyour breath and hert allows your body process memory wounds. You’re not meant to do it alone. There is a healer out there that you will resonate with who will be your witness.

Do this work with the person that your gut draws you too.

In the meantime:

If you are feeling suicidal ideations - I see you. It’s scary to be in deep suffering, and there is a pathway for change here on earth in your beautiful body and soul.

If you are a survivor of loss by suicide, violence or loss in general - I see you.

If you are struggling with your history of abuse and how to reclaim your narrative - I see you.

If you are struggling to alchemize your pain into meaning, purpose, and aliveness - I see you.

I see you you in my own heart.

And I’m on the other side with a line of hope, certainty in your spirit, certainty in your creative power, and certainty in your ability to root so deeply into your self trust and self love.

With all of my love, I believe in you.